land of quo

It should come as no surprise that quo occasionally enjoys a good debate. I wouldn’t say he was a master debater (badda-bing), but he is definitely not a novice. Quo periodically seeks out others to generate discourse and one of his favorite subjects to discuss is film. Below is a recent interview quo conducted with MerBear, blogger-extraordinaire and author of Knocked Over By A Feather in an effort to see if she might be a worthy opponent for future reviews and arguments.
Sincerely,
quo’s personal assistant

QUO:
Hello, MerBear. let’s begin with the most important question. What’s in your pocket? I got this question from watching “The Hobbit”, in case you were wondering.

MERBEAR:
I got one hand in my pocket, and the other is holding a peace sign.

QUO:
Okay, Alanis, do you have any religious restrictions against giving your opinion?

MERBEAR:
Besides the van full of nuns that chase me around when I curse, I’m good.

QUO:
Those are nuns? Thank god. I thought they were Batman. People have confused Batman for a van full of nuns before, you know. Anyway, enough of that. Tell me an example of when giving your opinion almost got you killed or maimed or something bad done to you.

MERBEAR:
One time, at a Beatle’s tribute concert, I asked the man in front of me to stop gyrating his hips to “Love me do.” He turned and told me to fuck off, and his breath smelt of salami and onions. I almost died from noxious fumes, and it singed my eyebrows.

QUO:
I understand. It wouldn’t be so bad if someone said that with breath that smelled like flowers. I imagine that’s what it’s like when an angel gets pissed — a big “fuck off” with flower breath. Regardless, let’s get back on track. Do you like movies?

MERBEAR:
Of course, Quo.

MERBEAR:
Whatever. Sometimes, all I need is a box of Snowcaps and my Netflix. I love movies, as long as none of them have Tiny Tim’s likeness or trademark song.

QUO:
I know how you feel. You just mentioning him made a little vomit come up in my mouth. Let’s switch gears — What are some of your favorite movies and why?

MERBEAR:
Shawshank Redemption. I love Morgan Freeman. He soothes me. I knew Red was going to find Andy again, and they would sail the world on that tiny sailboat. Then, when Andy played the music through the speakers, and the fuzz couldn’t get in the door! Brilliant acting all across the board. I could literally smell the crap in the sewer pipe.

Tommy Boy. Chris Farley and David Spade. Fat guy in a little coat. That is all you need to know.

QUO: I’ll take your word for it. What are some of your least favorite movies and why?

MERBEAR:
Anything with Paris Hilton, because I am so over her.

Titanic. First of all, this movie played out like a romantic chick flick for the first 2 hours. Then all shit breaks loose, and it’s so graphic I want to weep. It’s like, I knew it was coming. So why sugarcoat a turd. That is all.

High School Musical. Like, gag me with a fucking spoon. My daughter made me sit through this vile movie, that was so full of clichés I thought Zac Efrons shirt was gonna pop off. Sadly though, it didn’t.

QUO:
What is the scariest movie ever? By the way, there is only one correct answer to this and it is “The Exorcist”.

MERBEAR:
Disagree! “The Shining,” is the scariest movie of all time. I know this because the first time I watched it, I was afraid to go to the bathroom alone for weeks. I kept seeing the image of that lady in the bathtub, over and over again. The haunting soundtrack, Stanley Kubrick, and Jack Nicholson far outweighs a bit of pea soup and pancake make-up, would you not agree?

QUO:
Of course I disagree. It was split-pea soup. More importantly, how do you feel about movies with, about, or concerning lions?

MERBEAR:
Being a lion myself, I absolutely adore them. I am also candid, shy, and enjoy helping others.

QUO:
You don’t have to lie to make friends, MerBear. Which reminds me, how do you feel about people asking you questions about movies?

MERBEAR:
I like having my brain picked by a cartoon. Always been a fetish of mine.

QUO:
Hey, just because I can’t blush doesn’t mean you can’t make me feel uncomfortable. On a related topic, how do you get along with others?

MERBEAR:
I can get along with almost anybody, unless they are an idiot. For example, Honey Boo’s Boo’s mother.

QUO:
Whew, for a moment there I thought that was going to be a jab at me. Thinking Honey Boo Boo’s mother is an idiot is much more understandable. Everyone should think she’s an idiot. Speaking of which, if I were to ask someone what it was like to work with you, what would they say?

MERBEAR:
That I am a pleasure to work with, just never mention my lazy eye.

MERBEAR:
Pizza Hut.

QUO:
What are your favorite pizza toppings?

MERBEAR:
Extra cheese, mushrooms, and sausage. Pepperonis aren’t satisfying enough.

QUO:
Don’t think I didn’t get that innuendo. Thin crust or thick crust?

MERBEAR:
I like it pretty thick.

QUO:
Now you’re just showing off.

MERBEAR:
With a dusting of cornmeal.

QUO:
Would you rather watch a movie or read a book?

MERBEAR:
I usually read the book before I see the movie, and then get pissed off because they change everything. The vampires in “Twilight” were much glitterier in the book.

QUO:
My guess is that the movie-makers thought a slightly glittery vampire would be more believable. Most people hate monsters that are too glittery. It’s just way too easy to see them when you shine your car lights on them. But again, I digress. How do you feel about having limited time to answer a question? You have 10 seconds to answer this.

MERBEAR:
Prepare for my wrath.

QUO:
I’ll take that as you don’t like it. Bear with me, MerBear. I only have two more questions. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

MERBEAR:
I would give all my loved ones enough money to be happy for a long time, buy a RV, then travel the country looking for rusty gold.

QUO:
What would you do if you won one dollar?

MERBEAR:
Frame it, and put it on my wall, proudly.

QUO:
Do you have any questions for me?

MERBEAR:
Did I get the job?

QUO:
I’m not even sure what the job is, but I’ll let you know.

MERBEAR:
Well, will you at least validate my parking?

MERBEAR:
I hate you.

QUO:
You’re hired.